Today is a "bad" missing you day. May be it is because may is fast approaching and I know that I again will have to make the trip to Vermont to put yellow roses on your grave. God I hate that! I would much rather sit and chat with you at my kitchen table. I would much rather bitch at you for taking so damn long getting ready to do anything. Making us late once again.
May once was one of the best months of the year. With the return of the warm weather and the song of the native birds. The rebirth of the flowers and trees. Now it is just full of stress and dread. Dread for reliving your passing.
How long will the pain of your death affect my well being? How much more of this pain can my well being take? How to hell did I get here? The reality of this..... Is I have no freaking clue who I am without you. That is damn sad isn't it. Me not knowing who I am. I never had that problem before you died. I always felt like I knew who and what I was suppose to conquer. Now not so much.
I feel like I am insane talking to you, people tell me that you are there and that you can hear me and that I should stop and listen and I will once again find you. To take your memories and hug them close to my heart and you will be there within. My husband tells me that I need to get over this that I have become someone and something he isn't sure he likes. I told him that was TFB. To of lost you my best friend of 24 years was going to take more then 2 to get over. I tell the other that until they walk a mile in my shoe, they will never know what it was like to "know" to feel deep in down in their hearts of all hearts that you were gone.
I just wish I could get over being so damn mad at you for leaving me here to fend for myself. Then maybe I could hear you talking to me. Damn it I wish your death wasn't the only thing I thought about day in and day out for the last 685 days 10 hours 47 minutes 16 seconds and counting. Everything reminds me of you including the graffiti on the side of the road in Wilton that says " I love you Roo" I know you didn't write it, yet when I see it I have all I can do not to cry! Since those were the last words you spoke to me, on that Monday before you died. As I tried to sneak out of your house early in the am to get my sorry ass back to work before the sun rose in the morning sky.
I sit here documenting my life like someone is going to read it and either understand what I am going through or just give a shit. Damn it I really think I am going insane.
I guess one could say...... ""I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity" E.A Poe"
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