Not sure

I still miss you so much I sometimes forget to breath. I have tried to make the pain go away.

My baby learns to fly

Friday June 13 2008 my baby graduated from high school. Man how time flies. It seems like yesterday that I brought her home from the hospital. I have visions in my head of her sitting in the dirt pile with a spoon from my kitchen shoveling dirt into her brothers tonka dump truck in a little dress. Chasing butterflies yelling "momma looooook at him isn't he beautiful"! The one who has tested my patients, yet the one who is quick with a hug when my world is rocked upside down. She has a heart the size of the world. One which is broken in a blink of an eye. She is sensitive, as well as stubborn. She loves hard and hurts harder. I am scared to death to let her out of my sight. I am afraid that I have failed her in some way. That I have not let her grow to her potential since I have treated her as the baby for the last 18 years. She is my baby, the last one, the one I never wanted to grow up.

Have I done all I can as a parent to ready her for a world that is so unforgiving? I worry about her more then I ever worried about her brother. I don't like not knowing where she is and who she is with. I worry about sending her off to college since I will not be there to pickup the pieces when someone or something breaks her heart.

I think I have failed her in so many ways and I am almost sure it is to damn late to fix it. I am not one to look back and my life and regret much. I however regret the last 18 years of her life. Not because I had her, Not because I brought her into this world. Just because I don't think I made her strong enough to live in this place on her own.

Goddess please protect my baby in this great big world. She is my world. I sure think it is harder being a mom of a baby girl. You want so much for them with as little pain as possible. You teach your sons to be tough and man up. Not to let "little" things bother them. You can't do that with a little girl. There is just something in the heart of a little girl that keeps them from letting everything go.

My political Soap Box!!!!

You know what I miss the most? I miss the fact that you were one of the only ones I could spout off at and not get smacked! I have been thinking about this all day. My views on politics was opposite of yours, I use to make fun of people just to see the look on your face change from soft to a hard Stern look of OH MUHHH GOT!!! I can't believe you just said that.

My political views haven't changed! I still believe in " PRO CHOICE FOR EVERYTHING" I don't want to wear a seat belt. I don't want to pay Social Security. I don't want to wear a helmet. I don't care if men marry men or women marry women it doesn't impact my everyday life. I don't think we need more social programs, It pisses me off that you can be on welfare and get a HUGE TAX RETURN on the money that I paid in not your sorry slob ass. I don't want to spend money rehabilitating pedophiles and rapists . They are just freaks that can't be fixed. I don't think we need more laws I think we should use the ones we have or outlaw Lawyers. I don't want to have to pay the Government more then what I should. I need to have some money for myself. I don't care if you smoke pot or drink. I just want you to leave my family and I alone while you are doing it. GOOD JESUS I AM A BIG GIRL I don't need a law telling me I can't run with scissors I think I can figure it out all on my own. As a mater of fact I taught my children they couldn't do that! Imagin all without a law. Hummmm

I have never been so upset with people in my life. My father was in Vietnam when I was 2 years old. That was his job. He went, he served ,he came home. He doesn't talk about it much. And I don't blame him. He wasn't well liked, called a baby killer and what ever other not so nice names people could think of! MY GOD what to hell is wrong with people. That is like going to Boston hailing a cab getting out at the Prudential center then bashing him for being your servant when you lazy ass fat ass could of walked 2 blocks. I never liked people who looked down on others for what they did. He didn't want to leave his family to get his ass shot at! I am sure he would of rather sat at home Like Bill Clinton and smokes pot.. He would of at least admitted to inhaling. But he taught me that even if you don't agree with the President of the United States of America you still respected the office! That if it wasn't for people like him we wouldn't have what we have. The Freedom To Be FREAKING MORONS!

The thing that scares me the most is..... Those people who are of the "make love" and not war mentality are the ones who are now in control of our country! GOOD GRIEF CHARLIE MASON! ( oops) BROWN!! We are in for the ride of our lives! And people just keep voting in the "stupid".

Where are you now my best friend! HUH <3 I am sure you are trying to throw a huge brick through the realms to hit me in the head for all the mean thing I just said... (HA HA) Sorry darling the truth sometimes hurts "don't it"

My mind is full of you most days

Today is a "bad" missing you day. May be it is because may is fast approaching and I know that I again will have to make the trip to Vermont to put yellow roses on your grave. God I hate that! I would much rather sit and chat with you at my kitchen table. I would much rather bitch at you for taking so damn long getting ready to do anything. Making us late once again.

May once was one of the best months of the year. With the return of the warm weather and the song of the native birds. The rebirth of the flowers and trees. Now it is just full of stress and dread. Dread for reliving your passing.

How long will the pain of your death affect my well being? How much more of this pain can my well being take? How to hell did I get here? The reality of this..... Is I have no freaking clue who I am without you. That is damn sad isn't it. Me not knowing who I am. I never had that problem before you died. I always felt like I knew who and what I was suppose to conquer. Now not so much.

I feel like I am insane talking to you, people tell me that you are there and that you can hear me and that I should stop and listen and I will once again find you. To take your memories and hug them close to my heart and you will be there within. My husband tells me that I need to get over this that I have become someone and something he isn't sure he likes. I told him that was TFB. To of lost you my best friend of 24 years was going to take more then 2 to get over. I tell the other that until they walk a mile in my shoe, they will never know what it was like to "know" to feel deep in down in their hearts of all hearts that you were gone.

I just wish I could get over being so damn mad at you for leaving me here to fend for myself. Then maybe I could hear you talking to me. Damn it I wish your death wasn't the only thing I thought about day in and day out for the last 685 days 10 hours 47 minutes 16 seconds and counting. Everything reminds me of you including the graffiti on the side of the road in Wilton that says " I love you Roo" I know you didn't write it, yet when I see it I have all I can do not to cry! Since those were the last words you spoke to me, on that Monday before you died. As I tried to sneak out of your house early in the am to get my sorry ass back to work before the sun rose in the morning sky.

I sit here documenting my life like someone is going to read it and either understand what I am going through or just give a shit. Damn it I really think I am going insane.

I guess one could say...... ""I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity" E.A Poe"

Someone should annihilate Rosie O Fat Bitch!

Oh MY~ I don't know about you but if I was so dead set against something I wouldn't let my child any where near it! Stupid is as Stupid does! And then to call it ART! WOW

"Art can't hurt u," (Rosie) she said to one person who called her "sick." "Art provokes," she said to another who begged her to take the picture down.

Rosie on Gun Control: Rosie O'Donnell is a major supporter of the Million Mom March, a national grassroots organization dedicated to "fight against gun violence and the devastation it causes."

Rosie did reveal to Couric, however, that she has had armed security protecting her home from time to time while at the same time she continues to promote restrictions on Americans who wish to provide for their own protection. HEY FAT BITCH INCASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW IT... GUNS DON'T KILL PEOPLE ... PEOPLE KILL PEOPLE! just like "art" can't hurt you! But you can't hurt your child with your "art" Mommy dearest!!

According to O'Donnell "radical Christianity is just as threatening as radical Islam." HUMMMM WONDER WHY. NO NEED FOR TRADITIONAL VALUES! Since you have a wife

Rosie on Breastfeeding!

“Kelly [Rosie’s partner] only nursed for like about a month,” said Rosie at the time, “and then I was very angry, because as the other mommy...with the other babies nobody nursed because they were adopted. But with this baby it was like she was the only one getting to bond. So I was like the nursing is over! I cut her off. I’m like, you’ve had your limit honey. No more!” WAY TO GO OTHER MOMMY! I am sure other lesbian mom's are so proud of you!

Lets see. Rosie has Kicked the NRA, The usa gov, and breastfeeding mothers all over the world. And no one has kicked her fat ass. I use to enjoy the view. Until they got that American hating fat bitch who loves Iraq. Oh wait she doesn't love it enough TO MOVE THERE!!! Oh and the traditional values of the american family.

GOD I HATE THAT WOMEN>>>